Two weeks ago (September 2, 2009), I decided to divorce my wife Laurie. The issue I had been grappling with long-term was my sexual orientation. At the beginning of this year (2009), I realized, through reflection on my life from adolescence to now, that I was gay, and I told Laurie. She was naturally quite disturbed, but I did my best to assure her through my actions and words that I was still committed to her. I honestly thought at the time that I could accept my natural attraction to men but trade it for the value of my marriage. I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. Sexual attraction is an essential component of romantic love, and romantic love is the proper foundation of marriage. So, in trying to foster romantic love with my wife while being unable to be sexually attracted to her (through no fault of hers), I was sustaining a contradiction at the root of my marriage relationship. However, I know that "a contradiction cannot be achieved in reality and that the attempt to achieve it can lead only to disaster and destruction."1 Specifically, the disaster of being dishonest with myself and projecting a dishonest image of myself toward my wife and the rest of world. I also realized that I would never achieve happiness in my life by trying to diminish the importance of sexual attraction and fulfillment. I projected the consequence of this decision over my vision of my entire life, and I judged that the loss in ending my marriage was less than cost of the continued internal war with reality necessitated by discounting my nature.
I think sexual matters should be private, but, due to the appearance that my marriage has given to anyone who knows or has known me, honesty demands that I make public my reasons for ending it.
I appreciate all of the candid advice, probing questions and support from those with whom I have already spoken. I am happy to talk to anyone who wants to understand more than what I have written here.
I also publicly acknowledge Laurie for her virtue throughout this ordeal. While she disagrees with my decision, she has worked with me extensively to move forward with our lives and to care for our children as best as possible under the circumstances.
1. A. Rand, “The ‘Conflicts’ of Men’s Interests,” The Virtue of Selfishness, 51. (see Ayn Rand Lexicon: Contradictions)
Concretized date after checking a written reference (2009-10-04).
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7 comments:
Hey man I gotta say I'm kind of in shock! But since I've gone through a similar thing with changing lifestyles and getting divorced, I can relate to at least part of what you're going through and will go through. If you need to talk or vent feel free to contact me any time. I wish you the best of luck with your transition.
William, this makes me sad to hear. I do hope this path you choose will give you the peace you seem to be searching for. I worry that it will give you more misery. Again, sad to hear this news.
William, having observed a family member grapple with his sexual orientation and having recently divorced myself, I empathize with the challenges that you and Laurie are facing. My heart and support goes out to both of you and your children. My best, Jacob Reidhead
I thought about you all during Robert Hales' speech in the LDS afternoon session of General Conference today. I wanted to ask, as a friend, if you would watch it with a quiet mind and observe how you feel.
I say a "quiet" mind, because I myself analyze things so quickly that often I don't even hear a message because I am busy trying to fit it in to what I already know or believe.
I understand how you think about the term "knowing" -- but I still wanted to tell you that I and many others in your life really do know that God lives. I see Him in everything. As one example, right now I see Him in the fact that Laurie will be able to make it through this extremely difficult time in her life, and even come out better in the end.
You can see the speech on www.byu.tv. Go to the 2pm General Conference session for October 3rd, 2009 and scroll to the 28 minutes and 15 second mark (when Hales starts). It is 15 minutes long. I know you have spent much time seeking proof of God's existence in the last years. I am asking for a mere 15 minutes more of your open-minded time.
I truly wish you and your family all the best.
Thanks to all of you who have left comments. It's gratifying to know that people do read what I write. I also appreciate the support and concern expressed.
I want to address Stephanie's comments because they contain a common fallacy. That is, attributing some of one's thoughts and feelings to an external source while using those thoughts and feelings to validate the existence of that external source. Such use of a claim requiring proof to prove a related claim needed for the first claim's proof is a form of circular logic, begging the question, which reveals a contradiction in identification and thus a misapprehension of reality. Contradictions do not exist in reality, only in our misunderstanding of it.
Additionally, when one accepts the existence of something imperceptible to the senses, one's mind will naturally start to attribute all sorts of phenomena to this extrasensory thing. By it's nature as outside of the senses, there is no evidence to constrain its identity and hence what areas of reality it relates to. Thus, you see it everywhere.
That's a big surprise, but I can totally understand how you felt. And for you, her and children, I think it's better to do so.
I just saw your post. I am sorry to hear about your divorce and wish you, Laurie and your beautiful daughters all the very best. However, I am proud of you for taking such a decision. it could not have been easy. Good luck, William.
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