Divorce and Coming Out

Two weeks ago (September 2, 2009), I decided to divorce my wife Laurie. The issue I had been grappling with long-term was my sexual orientation. At the beginning of this year (2009), I realized, through reflection on my life from adolescence to now, that I was gay, and I told Laurie. She was naturally quite disturbed, but I did my best to assure her through my actions and words that I was still committed to her. I honestly thought at the time that I could accept my natural attraction to men but trade it for the value of my marriage. I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. Sexual attraction is an essential component of romantic love, and romantic love is the proper foundation of marriage. So, in trying to foster romantic love with my wife while being unable to be sexually attracted to her (through no fault of hers), I was sustaining a contradiction at the root of my marriage relationship. However, I know that "a contradiction cannot be achieved in reality and that the attempt to achieve it can lead only to disaster and destruction."¹ Specifically, the disaster of being dishonest with myself and projecting a dishonest image of myself toward my wife and the rest of world. I also realized that I would never achieve happiness in my life by trying to diminish the importance of sexual attraction and fulfillment. I projected the consequence of this decision over my vision of my entire life, and I judged that the loss in ending my marriage was less than cost of the continued internal war with reality necessitated by discounting my nature.

I think sexual matters should be private, but, due to the appearance that my marriage has given to anyone who knows or has known me, honesty demands that I make public my reasons for ending it.

I appreciate all of the candid advice, probing questions and support from those with whom I have already spoken. I am happy to talk to anyone who wants to understand more than what I have written here.

I also publicly acknowledge Laurie for her virtue throughout this ordeal. While she disagrees with my decision, she has worked with me extensively to move forward with our lives and to care for our children as best as possible under the circumstances.

1. A. Rand, “The ‘Conflicts’ of Men’s Interests,” The Virtue of Selfishness, 51. (see Ayn Rand Lexicon: Contradictions)

Concretized date after checking a written reference (2009-10-04).